Personal / Reflections

Existential crisis and new beginnings

What happens when everything is going as planned? When you have achieved your immediate goals and you haven’t thought of any new ones? When you don’t have any new big challenges in the horizon?

This achieving what I wanted lead to a new discomforting “And now what?” Some people, me included, are in a constant need of novelty, challenges, uncertainty and even though this is sometimes exhausting, it’s what makes our lives intense and a source of moments of peak happiness and a more or less regular content and please. However, in order to keep this state fulfilled and pleasant life one must to keep moving, it’s an ongoing work.

For me, once I attained the way of life I wanted and I get somehow some sort of stability (although fluctuant and still uncertain), now that I can travel and live in different countries and still keep my work going, now that my teaching business is going well. Now that I am happy and pleased, now I am feeling a kind of unease.

Few bad nights resulted in a kind of epiphany moment when, I woke up in the middle of the night bursting ideas and plans and projects. I couldn’t wait and I could certainly not go back to sleep, so I took a notebook and started to brainstorm, write lines and words and sketches in an attempt to unload the content on my brain into paper.

Existential crisis

As much as I love my life as it is, I realized what I am wasn’t enough. My dreams weren’t big enough so when I finally achieved them I became aware of the insufficiency I was in. So yes, I am a good teacher, I am self employed and I am traveling. Mmmm… Ok. Being a nomadic Spanish teacher was enough for a while but not anymore. I want to be more in my life and I want to do more with my life than simply teach people a language, which I still love doing.

So, once I identified the problem came the tricky part. I knew I wanted to be more than a language teacher but what was it that I wanted to become?

No clue!

And I hadn’t a clue for a while. My dream during all my life had been being a teacher, there were no alternatives or plan B, so when it came to think about another thing that could make me as happy as teaching I was clueless.

Then I started to look around, outside and inside. To the people I admire, to the things I like to do and consume, to the things that make me happy and the things that I don’t like and I would change if I could.

And then, little by little I started finding answers, seeing a path, finding a new me in the horizon. A big new me (not in a size way, though), too big maybe. I finally understood what dream big means, how scary but attractive at the same time is.

I am still finding the new me but it starts outlining itself.

A new me?

When I talk about this new me, I don’t mean to change my personality or myself, it’s quite the opposite. I finally find myself in a position where I don’t want to change me, I kind of like me. I finally know myself enough to know who I am and how I behave, and I recognize when I trip over on my self development journey, I know my weaknesses and flauws and I am well aware of the constant need of work and improvement, but I still love me. And that is good enough.

What I mean by a new me, it has more to do with what I want to invest my energy and the way I want to contribute to the world. I now envision a new stage in my life where I want to become someone who has an active part in improving and changing and impacting my surroundings.

I can’t stay passive and turn a blind eye to the problems around me, and there are many, big and scary. I want to become and active warrior (in a peaceful way, of course), I want to DO. And this is the new me I want to become, I want to become an active part in society.

For many years, all my life really, I was an observant, a passive spectator of my life. In the last couple of years I took the reins of my life and got the starring role in my own life. Now that I sit comfortably in this place, I feel a compelling need to speak up, to take an active role in the community, to stand up and contribute with my words and actions.

And this is a really big dream for me. The quiet, the person who usually was unnoticed, the socially awkward and the other’s ideas follower. That is not who I am. Not quite. Not yet. But that is who I want to become

And with this new me as still a work in progress comes a new blank page and platform. Remodelate. My challenge made public. Again. Hope to see you there.

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One thought on “Existential crisis and new beginnings

  1. well written, I wouldn’t know how to describe it better to people that they aren’t static whenever they proclaim “I am this or I am that”. It seems like you have to arrive and give slowly birth to a new self every couple of years. – best of luck 🙂

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