Personal / Reflections

Lights and shades of living one’s dream

There is this tendency of mine of always looking at the bright side of the situation, of being positive about everything that happens because it’s possible to find the positive part in almost everything and this inclination to try to convince myself that I don’t give a damn about things that hurt me and I can’t change.

There’s one year since I started being self employed, I gave birth to this blog and I started living the way I wanted.

Lights

I can’t express here the amount of things I learnt during this year and the big changes I experienced. In general terms I would say I am happy and the overall results are positive. I wouldn’t go back in time and change anything, I don’t have any regrets about my actions and even if I didn’t always get what I wanted, I got things I didn’t expect in exchange which I’m thankful for.

One year later, I find myself in my old bedroom at my parent’s house looking through the window at the same red building showered by the sunbeams , the same trees down the street and the Cathedral surrounded by the red roofs as the background. So familiar. The same landscape I used to look at when I was a at university and my life wasn’t started, while I day dreamed about my future, my adulthood, my fears and a painful uncertainty about my ability of pulling my own chestnuts out of the fire and manage to succeed in the real life. Many years later I am looking through the same window at the same landscape wondering if I succeed. I am at my parent’s because I don’t have a place to call my own, I don’t have a regular paycheck or a regular job and I better not talk about romantic love… Did I succeed? I’d say yes without any doubt but somehow I am afraid of still living in a daydream and waking up one day realizing I have nothing that matters to me.

This fears I am having these days are leading me to feel disconnected from my life plans and dreams, I’ve been feeling scared and down, pretending everything is ok with the only purpose to encourage myself to keep going but unable to take steps.

Shades

Money

I am concerned about money, which wouldn’t be so weird having into account the Spanish news talking without a break about economic cuts, raise of taxes and drop of the quality of life, blah, blah, blah… But this economical crisis athmosfere is making a deep negative impression on me. Let me explain: This month of July I am having more classes than ever and more work than ever. I earned my first 1000$ (although my goal is in euros, so I haven’t reached my personal goal yet). There is no reason for me to be so concerned about money right now and I have no real reason to be concerned for it the future seeing how the things are going. So it’s not reasonable this fear of taking the leap again, book a flight and leave afraid of not being able to sustain myself. In the same way I don’t need to keep putting off my departure in order to save for worse times.

There’s only one sensible and reasonable concerned related to work and it’s technical problems. I’m worried of picking a place and not having a proper fast internet connection which would be a real problem. But besides that, why can’t I stop worrying about money?!

Loneliness

I’m really worried about loneliness. I had a sudden realization of it when I arrived home. Besides my family there was barely nobody waiting for me. This is understandable, I guess, since I am not physically in this place and we all know that in order to keep the relationships alive one must cherish them. But somehow I thought that the relationships I had were strong enough to not vanish if I am not there… Naïve?

The thing is that I have few people I really care about and I don’t want to loose. And I’m worried that my constant need of experiences, of extend my boundaries, of traveling is going to put at risk the friendship I have with them. I am scared of loosing them if I don’t visit often, I’m scared of them forgetting about me. They are a part of my life even if I don’t miss them all the time or I don’t need to have them “bodily” around me, but I know that all of us we have different needs and maybe the people I love need to have me physically in order to keep the love flowing… And that scares me because I can’t choose between my project of live and a part of my life because I know I’d choose the bigger project, although the lack of this part would sadden the whole.

A home

One of the concerns I had was not having a place to call home. I am struggling enormously here! Not having my own place to take shelter when I need it, it’s driving me crazy. I am very introverted, I need to be alone, to be quiet and silent inside and outside. My place has always being my sanctuary. Not having it makes me feel incomplete, worn and strained.

One step towards the light

All these fears are the pitfalls of this dreamed life I am leading. I still consider myself successful but I hate when fears subjugate my courage and I feel neutralized to act, take decisions and move. I’m stronger than my fears and I know it. That’s enough! I’m leaving to Southeast Asia the first week of September. I’m in the dark right now but that’s not the place I want to live, so there’s no other choice for me but to keep moving towards some brighter lands.

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12 thoughts on “Lights and shades of living one’s dream

  1. Hey Maria – you have some doubts and fear which are normal but it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction. Traveling and your business will bring you $$, travel will bring you friendship (and less loneliness) and travel will give your soul a home:) haha and maybe help you overcome your desire to have a home. Constantly not having a home sounds like it’s a great challenge for you, no? Pushing ahead means taking on all your fears! We need fears so that we can conquer them and are motivated to act by them! Enjoyed this post – one of your most powerful yet:)

    • Hi Vishnu,

      That’s it, that’s why I keep moving. I know by own experience that traveling provides with the solution to my fears but it’s not a bed of roses either as we all know. More and new fears to conquer are just round the corner after every step we take or a challenge we start. There’s no stop now! 😀
      Thanks for the comment, Vishnu!

  2. I felt some goosebumps form on my arm while reading this. Only because your sheer vulnerability and raw honesty hit close to home for me. With my own path, I knew it was going to be a lonely road since our culture and society is so based on the 9-5 career path, but the excitement of living on my own terms excited me.

    I can now say that the excitement of something new has worn off as loneliness strikes every now and then. It’s a dark and uncomfortable feeling that makes me yearn for connection– yet I’m not sure exactly where to start. My goal these days is to immerse myself into a community of like minded people. Easier said than done. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Sending you warm vibes and support from across the world.

    -Mika Maddela

    • Hi Mika!

      It’s difficult to find this community and be part of it but it is part of the path. We are social animals and, introverted or extroverted, we need to socialize to a lesser or large extent and the support of others. For me, this blog has been one of the tools to connect with people but sometimes I still feel the lack of like minded people around me, so it’s still a work in progress.

      Received your vibes and send you some of mine back to you. 🙂

  3. I just finished watching 4 episodes of Private Practice, seating only with my puppy at my grand parent’s house, and here I am, reading about this post and I feel you’ve just read in me Maria…Those feelings you’re experiencing, I have the exact same ones. I don’t have my own home, I’m hell scared about loneliness and I’m truly concerned about my financial future. Like you, I have those fears and somehow I still manage to find my life way better than it used to be. Sure, I used to rent my own flat, have a secure salary and loneliness, well, I always feel lonely anyway but even with all those things, I felt sad all the time and I had other fears. In comparison, I still prefer having those fears of home and money rather than have the fear of not living a meaningful life.

    Asia?? Skype soon is needed! 🙂

    • Caroline! Don’t you think we were separated when we were born? That’s the only reason I find for our same feelings 😛 I used to always feel lonely when I was younger and somehow I still do sometimes… less and less… which means improvement from my approval dependence, yay! 😀
      We are leading the life the way we want, nobody said it were gonna be easy…

      Talk soon! 🙂

  4. Prefiero vivir en pensamientos complejos, incluso contradictorios, lo cual nos genera ansiedad y miedo, pero también inquietud por cambiar . De ahí a la ilusión y la esperanza por mejorar y sobretodo por ser felices. Es alcanzar nuestros sueños y convertir los miedos en retos. La satisfacción es enorme.
    Peor sería caer en la autocomplaciencia, en la ausencia de auto crítica.
    Me ha encantado el post, abarca muchos de los miedos que todos tenemos.

    To keep moving !

    Ciao…

    • Me alegro de que te gustara, me costó escribirlo. Era como reconocer que no todo es perfecto y eso es difícil de expresar. En fin, pese a esos miedos, sigo pensando que el riesgo merece la pena. No cambiaría mi vida a día de hoy por otra situación más “fácil”. Tengo la vida que quiero y pese a las dificultades y escollos, me hace mucho más feliz de lo que he sido antes.

      Un abrazo,

  5. Asia wow! 🙂 I have exactly the same fears (although not exactly the same situation…yet :D)..I think that for the money issue it is just a question of time to feel secure being entirely independent..for the loneliness it’s something else – it’s just part of the human condition, and the main reason people don’t move. I have pretty much made my peace with this one, as I’ve lived in several different countries and kept friends from all of them – and they get that we can’t be in contact every week and even if we only speak once a year, it’s like we spoke the day before. Those kinds of friendships will survive wherever you are in the world, and if you feel lonely you can just call 🙂 The home issue is a big one for me too….I know I will not be a nomad 100% of the time forever because I love having a nest that is all mine! If this is something you want, you will have it again..maybe now is just not the right time.
    Ps, if you’re done with Asia in October/November, come visit Nepal! 😉

    • Asia, yeah! 😀
      I guess that as long as one feel confident with their abilities it’s only a matter of time to feel comfortable with self-employment. The thing is that I am certain I won’t die of starvation, if I don’t succeed with this project it will be another one, I know how to work but sometimes the external pressure it’s too strong that make your certainty break a bit…
      Me too, I know I don’t want to be on the road all the time. I like to travel but I prefer to stay long periods of time in the same place in order to have a sense of home I won’t be able to achieve if I stay in a hostel for few days.
      This nomadic independent life requires time and a strong mind and character and I have all the time in the world to strengthen myself, it’s so worth it! 🙂

  6. Pingback: Alive and kicking « A fulfilling life

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