There is this tendency of mine of always looking at the bright side of the situation, of being positive about everything that happens because it’s possible to find the positive part in almost everything and this inclination to try to convince myself that I don’t give a damn about things that hurt me and I can’t change.
There’s one year since I started being self employed, I gave birth to this blog and I started living the way I wanted.
I can’t express here the amount of things I learnt during this year and the big changes I experienced. In general terms I would say I am happy and the overall results are positive. I wouldn’t go back in time and change anything, I don’t have any regrets about my actions and even if I didn’t always get what I wanted, I got things I didn’t expect in exchange which I’m thankful for.
One year later, I find myself in my old bedroom at my parent’s house looking through the window at the same red building showered by the sunbeams , the same trees down the street and the Cathedral surrounded by the red roofs as the background. So familiar. The same landscape I used to look at when I was a at university and my life wasn’t started, while I day dreamed about my future, my adulthood, my fears and a painful uncertainty about my ability of pulling my own chestnuts out of the fire and manage to succeed in the real life. Many years later I am looking through the same window at the same landscape wondering if I succeed. I am at my parent’s because I don’t have a place to call my own, I don’t have a regular paycheck or a regular job and I better not talk about romantic love… Did I succeed? I’d say yes without any doubt but somehow I am afraid of still living in a daydream and waking up one day realizing I have nothing that matters to me.
This fears I am having these days are leading me to feel disconnected from my life plans and dreams, I’ve been feeling scared and down, pretending everything is ok with the only purpose to encourage myself to keep going but unable to take steps.
I am concerned about money, which wouldn’t be so weird having into account the Spanish news talking without a break about economic cuts, raise of taxes and drop of the quality of life, blah, blah, blah… But this economical crisis athmosfere is making a deep negative impression on me. Let me explain: This month of July I am having more classes than ever and more work than ever. I earned my first 1000$ (although my goal is in euros, so I haven’t reached my personal goal yet). There is no reason for me to be so concerned about money right now and I have no real reason to be concerned for it the future seeing how the things are going. So it’s not reasonable this fear of taking the leap again, book a flight and leave afraid of not being able to sustain myself. In the same way I don’t need to keep putting off my departure in order to save for worse times.
There’s only one sensible and reasonable concerned related to work and it’s technical problems. I’m worried of picking a place and not having a proper fast internet connection which would be a real problem. But besides that, why can’t I stop worrying about money?!
I’m really worried about loneliness. I had a sudden realization of it when I arrived home. Besides my family there was barely nobody waiting for me. This is understandable, I guess, since I am not physically in this place and we all know that in order to keep the relationships alive one must cherish them. But somehow I thought that the relationships I had were strong enough to not vanish if I am not there… Naïve?
The thing is that I have few people I really care about and I don’t want to loose. And I’m worried that my constant need of experiences, of extend my boundaries, of traveling is going to put at risk the friendship I have with them. I am scared of loosing them if I don’t visit often, I’m scared of them forgetting about me. They are a part of my life even if I don’t miss them all the time or I don’t need to have them “bodily” around me, but I know that all of us we have different needs and maybe the people I love need to have me physically in order to keep the love flowing… And that scares me because I can’t choose between my project of live and a part of my life because I know I’d choose the bigger project, although the lack of this part would sadden the whole.
One of the concerns I had was not having a place to call home. I am struggling enormously here! Not having my own place to take shelter when I need it, it’s driving me crazy. I am very introverted, I need to be alone, to be quiet and silent inside and outside. My place has always being my sanctuary. Not having it makes me feel incomplete, worn and strained.
One step towards the light
All these fears are the pitfalls of this dreamed life I am leading. I still consider myself successful but I hate when fears subjugate my courage and I feel neutralized to act, take decisions and move. I’m stronger than my fears and I know it. That’s enough! I’m leaving to Southeast Asia the first week of September. I’m in the dark right now but that’s not the place I want to live, so there’s no other choice for me but to keep moving towards some brighter lands.