Love is not an easy thing. And I don’t say it as if I had discovered something new here. It’s just an affirmation.
Love is difficult because it leads to attachments, obligations, “shoulds” and to a lot of guilt when one doesn’t want to comply with the well known laws of love.
Love can be selfish and possessive. One can fall in love with a pair of shoes in the same way as one can fall in love with someone else. And in both cases, one can want to have them, to own them, to call them “mine”.
Is there something more scary than this?
Luckily this is not the only one approach to love. There is another one, amongst others, more related with giving without expecting anything back.
Imagine how wonderful would be hearing this: “I love you and I don’t mind if you don’t love me in the same way I do. I am just gonna give you all my love and that would be enough for me“. Imagine all the people loved in the same way… Receiving love without the pressure of loving the other person back. Loving others without the fear of not being loved in return.
Of course, this kind of disinterested love works better when all the people involved are in the same page because that would lead to a pandemonium of love spreading like a rampant contagious disease. And wouldn’t it be great?
I took me a long time not to believe that people used me. Because, let’s face it, it’s pretty easy to use me, mainly because I can’t love people by halves so I had this idea of me always giving and the others only receiving.
The problem was that I had this conception of love as a way of getting things, whether it was self-reaffirmation or attention… As if I need to feel loved to realize that I’m lovable. It took some time not to love, judge and value myself through someone else’s eyes.
In brief, I saw love as a way to fulfill the lack inside me. I had a hard time to find reasons to love myself if someone else didn’t love me, in the same way as I wasn’t able to fulfill my needs by myself so I needed to find partners or friends to amuse me, entertain me, and make me feel valuable, that’s why I was so demanding with the others: I had needs to be fulfilled!!!
It’s not that I was just expecting to receive without giving anything, not at all, I tend to give all of me to my friends and partners, I went overboard in my attentions but I tended to expect the same thing from others too, and I was very strict, I expected “the same”: the same kind of attention, the same amount of attention. And that’s impossible to get, so I got all frustrated and felt used.
After a bit of reflection I “discovered” that love oneself makes much more sense! I learn to love myself, every part of me is now fully understood and that is taking me little by little to a really refreshing and healthy way of love others around me.
I love the others for the hell of it! Not expecting anything back makes it much more pleasurable. Ok, it’s even more pleasurable when you get some tokens of love, bien sûr mes chèris. But the good part is that you are as happy when you get as you are when you give because you don’t rely on an outside love since you have all the love you need. And what do we do when we love someone? We take care of them, we cherish them, but we are honest with them as well, because we want all the best for them. If there’s something wrong, we tell them so and we help them to solve the problem. We are kind with them and true to them for the better and for the worse so that they can feel they can rely on you. What if you did all that to yourself? What if you were honest to yourself and tell you what is not right but in a kind way? What if you fulfilled all your needs to the point of not needing anyone else, of being truly happy in your own company?
Then, there wouldn’t be the need of others to fulfill your needs and wants. And it would be only then when giving all your love to others would be just a projection. So whatever we have in return would be an extra, a bonus which will make you even happier.
Of course, love oneself is not easy neither, you need to understand yourself, to know your qualities and your flaws. And that’s the hard part. We might prefer to turn a blind eye on the latest but that wouldn’t lead to any good, and we know it.
So, here is my plan.
Come on, go on a date with yourself!
Only during the last months I came to appreciate the power and benefits of truly loving myself, however, as happens in couples sometimes, I’ve been neglecting myself a bit… I don’t pamper myself so often, I don’t take myself on a date… But, hey, I’m working on it, I certainly don’t want to break up. 😀 That’s why I am gonna take some time every day to have a “self-date” and I’m gonna share it with you so that I go creative and original in my dates… who wants routine in their relationships? I don’t!