Sometimes, when something change in your life, you just crave for some continuity that gives you some security because otherwise so much changes would be too much to assimilate, while other times the only thing you want is another change that allows you to move on.
This time I wanted a change.
It’s not that I had a big dramatic change in my life. All is pretty much the same but there has been a slightly change, something that makes things different… well, more than making the things different, makes me different.
Somehow I was relying in the support of someone who, even if wasn’t physically with me, made me feel that was there, now that support is gone. Not because that person doesn’t want to be there to support me anymore but, let’s say that I need a bit of time out of contact with him because the kind of contact we had was going to cause more pain than benefit right now, so I decided to stop counting on that support.
Curious how the mind works. The situation really hasn’t changed that much but the words and concepts are what made the differences and have created a wall that, right now, I don’t feel like breaking down. Result: my chosen person, the one I felt a strong connection with is now not at my reach.
And it feels the right thing to do but at the same time it leaves me with a taste of loneliness I didn’t have for a long time. It really feels I am finally on my own.
And that might be a good thing. At the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself even though there are lots of lovely people out there willing to give you a hand in case of need.
But I miss my person. And the worst thing is that I don’t know if I should thank him for backing off from me because that might be what I needed to finally be able to follow my path and do things my way, without the interference (hopes or… whatever it was) of wanting to cross paths with that person. Not that I was looking for the result of keeping crossing paths but I certainly wanted to keep crossing them, no matter what happened afterwards.
The positive of all this feeling of loneliness? I am finally listening to my thoughts deeply and mindfully and I found out that it’s interesting what I have to say to myself. There’s no point in being oblivious to your inner voice when it’s with you who you need have the connection.
Let’s the inner chat begins! 😀