Personal

Decisive little changes

Sometimes, when something change in your life, you just crave for some continuity that gives you some security because otherwise so much changes would be too much to assimilate, while other times the only thing you want is another change that allows you to move on.

This time I wanted a change.

It’s not that I had a big dramatic change in my life. All is pretty much the same but there has been a slightly change, something that makes things different… well, more than making the things different, makes me different.

Somehow I was relying in the support of someone who, even if wasn’t physically with me, made me feel that was there, now that support is gone. Not because that person doesn’t want to be there to support me anymore but, let’s say that I need a bit of time out of contact with him because the kind of contact we had was going to cause more pain than benefit right now, so I decided to stop counting on that support.

Curious how the mind works. The situation really hasn’t changed that much but the words and concepts are what made the differences and have created a wall that, right now, I don’t feel like breaking down. Result: my chosen person, the one I felt a strong connection with is now not at my reach.

And it feels the right thing to do but at the same time it leaves me with a taste of loneliness I didn’t have for a long time. It really feels I am finally on my own.

And that might be a good thing. At the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself even though there are lots of lovely people out there willing to give you a hand in case of need.

But I miss my person. And the worst thing is that I don’t know if I should thank him for backing off from me because that might be what I needed to finally be able to follow my path and do things my way, without the interference (hopes or… whatever it was) of wanting to cross paths with that person. Not that I was looking for the result of keeping crossing paths but I certainly wanted to keep crossing them, no matter what happened afterwards.

The positive of all this feeling of loneliness? I am finally listening to my thoughts deeply and mindfully and I found out that it’s interesting what I have to say to myself. There’s no point in being oblivious to your inner voice when it’s with you who you need have the connection.

Let’s the inner chat begins! 😀

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9 thoughts on “Decisive little changes

  1. “At the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself even though there are lots of lovely people out there willing to give you a hand in case of need.”

    Really resonated with that, María. Well written!

  2. you should thank him a million times over:) he’s given you the best gift ever – you! Having others in our lives sometimes prevents us from really getting to know ourselves. I found this out the very hard way but this is a life lesson that will stay with me fore life:)

    • I can’t but agree with you. I don’t know if I thank him just yet but I definitely don’t have any resentment against him. I am here to know myself and become what I want to be even though it would be ideal to share the journey deeply with the people you love.
      We never stop learning and the biggest lessons always come from the hardest moments, so even for those we should be thankful. 🙂

  3. you should thank him a million times over:) if he helped you find your inner voice and ultimately yourself. Sometimes others in our lives prevent us from getting to know ourselves and relying on ourselves. The first part of our lives parents, then partners…how do we have time to become who we really are when we never take time to find out who we are. Once you become your true self, others can help enhance you:)

  4. Maria,

    This is a beautiful, delicate post. I just discovered this blog of yours. I only visited the tutor one so far. Your post reminds me of one of the “lessons” I wrote on my recent birthday post on Fishing Buddha (http://bit.ly/KS7znA) which was – “When you accept that people in your lives are fellow travelers, stopping by for a drink or a chat, and might come and go, you will build better relationships”.

    Thanks for sharing these brave thoughts with us 🙂

    • Hi Amit,

      I’m glad you found the blog and enjoyed the reading. What you wrote is so true and I really believe this no-attachment is a positive thing but yet sometimes the emotional side of us push harder…

      Thanks a lot for your kind words 🙂

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