Over the time I realize I pay less and less attention to my phisical appearance. At the same time I try to lead a healthier life, I try to take care of my body more for how it feels than for how it looks.
But still I like to feel pretty when I am with a guy I am attracted to. It’s like an impulse. A couple of weeks ago I was expecting the visit of a friend, male, whom I am very attracted to, and few days before his arrival I found myself looking for new sexy lingerie… I had to stop myself from getting a new set of cute underwear for him to see me all pretty. I convinced myself that me and what is inside me is what is likable and not my body in that underwear so I didn’t get anything.
However I have always had a love-hate relationship with my physical aspect. I know I am curvy with a pretty face, which is considered attractive by the beauty canons but since I am a well developed woman I hated getting attention because of my aspect. In fact, if a guy tried to flirt with me using any line related with me beauty I was going to discard him pretty quickly and that continues until the present… well, I might not be so harsh and acknowledge the effort but still the result for him won’t be positive.
The question is that if I don’t want to be seen as only a body why this necessity of feeling pretty? I asked that question a while ago and decided I wanted to cut on make up, hairdresser, high heels… all this kind of torture devices that makes us artificial and in pain and instead I plead for clean healthy skin and comfortable clothes and shoes.
Why then this rush to the lingerie shop when my male friend was coming?
Why torture my hair with the hair straighteners? Why don’t I cut it short and comfortable?
I love my hair. I wanted to have it very long since I am a little girl but my mother was always cutting it short saying I looked like Marie Madeleine, yeah, the sinner friend of Jesus, or like a gypsy, either case wasn’t good so there she kept taking me to the hairdresser. When I eventually could take the lead about my hair styles I tried different things (some of them were just horrible) and saw what suits me best is the long hair. It’s comfortable, I generally don’t do anything with it, don’t blow dry and I can tide it . But is it only for comfortable reasons or is it because I know it suits me and the people like it? I asked sometimes to my partners if I should cut it and the answer is always noooo. don’t do that! And then I wonder, why? are you going to stop liking me if I do?
I’ve been reflecting about what would happen if one day I cut my hair and stop completely using any kind of make up and I only wear comfy clothes that don’t enhance my body… I am afraid of seeing how I loose my “powers” like Sansom. What if my only strength is my physical aspect and without it I realize I am worthless?
And, at last, an enlightened realization
And then, after this lengthy explanation I realized that the background thought that motivated those words are my own insecurities triggered by recent external factor.
It shouldn’t matter if I cut my hair or beautify myself or not, my worth is still my interior, my thoughts, my soul. But if I know that, why then I have this stupid thoughts about my hair? Why, deep inside, am I still afraid of realizing that the reason why people is around me is my aspect?
I guess this self-doubts have deep roots in my childhood, when I was lonely because of my shyness and inability of making friends, and then during my early teenage years, when my body started to “blossom” sooner that my classmates and I was looked as if I were a monster and the only thing I wanted was to hide my curves, and then, later, when I realized that maybe I was still unable to make friends and the female friends around me (never had a male friend) made me feel guilty when a guy flirted with me, but at least I realized that sometimes my looking opened me doors, easy my life or made some people want to know me more. I remember how hurt I felt when my friends got together around me one day and told me how lucky I was and how thankful I should be of being pretty because, otherwise I would be completely alone and with no opportunities. It was hard to hear but there were some truth in it, the physical appearance makes the things easy or difficult, but what is true as well is that is the interior of the person who makes this opportunities work or not.
I was convinced my insecurities were a thing of the past, more or less, but quite regularly (once a month coinciding with my ovulation days, meaning, my days of hypersensitivity) my security and defenses breach, which means there is still some self-doubts. And that makes me very angry because I like myself, I like the kind of person I am becoming and I think I have good things to offer to the world and the people around me, why then I still fear not being lovable enough? And what is worse, why am I so worried about not being loved? Ahhh, I see there is still a long way to go until I reach a real deep connection with my inner self and become the person I want to be, far from this insecurities and needs, strong and independent. Keep working.