I wanted to stay in Delhi not because I particularly love it here but because it gave me some time in peace where I didn’t need to make any decisions or answer tricky questions like the intimidating “And now what?”
You feel powerful when you have your life in your hands but some days I just yearn for following someone’s lead (I probably shouldn’t confess this overtly but why lie?).
Well, now the wind course changed and I have to make decisions again and then make the suitable arrangements.
And at the same time I feel the power and control that comes with every crossroads, whether little or crucial, that one faces often during life, I feel quite defenseless and forsaken too. Is it strange or common? I am the master of my life and still there are so many interruptions, snags and unplanned events that I realize I have no power at all!
And now what? Where?
I might have sounded a little plaintive. Maybe I am low in spirits for other reasons or maybe I am tired, but the truth is that there is a little dash of excitement and expectation towards the new situation. What will it bring? How will I feel?
But, yeah, I sounded plaintive because there is an important downside I have to take into account. With every new situation comes a new justification. Since I don’t want to lie to the people I love, I just have to tell the truth and then, the same questions will be asked: “And why you just don’t come back home?”, “why don’t you just settle?” And then I’ll have to concoct another excuse about why I refuse to go back and stay put or lifeless, which is similar to me.
And that’s my major drawback. It’s so tiring to need to look for excuses everytime that the situation gives a turn when you still want to follow the same path.
That’s why I wanted to stay in Delhi, because that gave time to just “stay” without the need of thinking an excuse for not coming back and not so much because of the hassle of what to do or where to go afterwards.
As I said, tiring. Tiring not because I find myself in another uncertain crossroad and I have no clue where I will end up, but tiring because I have to give explanations and excuses because the real thing is just not a good enough reason.
It’s time to start a fight… again.