Personal / Reflections

Vulnerable and uncertain

I wanted to stay in Delhi not because I particularly love it here but because it gave me some time in peace where I didn’t need to make any decisions or answer tricky questions like the intimidating “And now what?”

You feel powerful when you have your life in your hands but some days I just yearn for following someone’s lead (I probably shouldn’t confess this overtly but why lie?).

Uncertain 

Well, now the wind course changed and I have to make decisions again and then make the suitable arrangements.

And at the same time I feel the power and control that comes with every crossroads, whether little or crucial, that one faces often during life, I feel quite defenseless and forsaken too. Is it strange or common? I am the master of my life and still there are so many interruptions, snags and unplanned events that I realize I have no power at all!

And now what? Where?

I might have sounded a little plaintive. Maybe I am low in spirits for other reasons or maybe I am tired, but the truth is that there is a little dash of excitement and expectation towards the new situation. What will it bring? How will I feel?

Vulnerable

But, yeah, I sounded plaintive because there is an important downside I have to take into account. With every new situation comes a new justification. Since I don’t want to lie to the people I love, I just have to tell the truth and then, the same questions will be asked: “And why you just don’t come back home?”, “why don’t you just settle?” And then I’ll have to concoct another excuse about why I refuse to go back and stay put or lifeless, which is similar to me.

And that’s my major drawback.  It’s so tiring to need to look for excuses everytime that the situation gives a turn when you still want to follow the same path.

That’s why I wanted to stay in Delhi, because that gave time to just “stay” without the need of thinking an excuse for not coming back and not so much because of the hassle of what to do or where to go afterwards.

As I said, tiring. Tiring not because I find myself in another uncertain crossroad and I have no clue where I will end up, but tiring because I have to give explanations and excuses because the real thing is just not a good enough reason.

It’s time to start a fight… again.

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2 thoughts on “Vulnerable and uncertain

  1. What a moving post Maria…Life is a constant fight I think, no matter where we are going or what we are doing, there is always something or someone that will cause us troubles but we need to try to stay out of it if we can. I think your family wants you to come back home because they miss you or they are afraid for you but maybe if they see that you are totally fine and safe in India, and that you truly feel that it’s the place for you to be right now, they might understand and support your life choices.

    Do you know how long you plan to stay in Delhi?

    • Thanks Caroline. I know the reason why they want me to come back is because they love me and I don’t blame them, I understand, it’s just that it’s tiring to start from scratch every time, like I am always explaining the same things over and over. Oh well, what can you do? Sometimes love is selfish. I will stay in Delhi until the end of the month for sure and after that, we’ll see, it depend on what I find. I might go to the mountains.

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