At last I am in a position where I can reveal my future plans.
I have been dragging my feet in taking a decision about where to go for so long that I am all relaxed and over the moon now when I finally made my mind. I was torn between the safer option that was staying in Europe and the scary but more attractive one that was going anywhere else. I couldn’t take a decision because my head was telling me one thing and my heart and gut were telling me another completely different thing.
The first moment I consider for a second going to India, I told to myself: “Are you crazy? you know you are not going to have the courage to go on your own…” I didn’t like what I told to myself.
Right now I’m challenging myself. I am really fighting against my fears: I’ve never moved to another country without a reason, I’ve never gone to another country not knowing anybody there (well, I do know someone, who gave me very valuable information by the way, but it’s not like she is going to be taking me by the hand…), I have never left the continent… Whenever I traveled before I did it in a safe environment, never too risky or challenging. This time is different…
Why India? The moment I considered India as an option I felt I wanted to go. I wanted to stay there for a while, I wanted to soak in a completely different culture, I wanted to challenge myself and feel proud afterwards. My levels of self confidence are diminishing dramatically every day I stay here, all safe and protected, having this linear life I am leading these days. I need to prove myself I am able to do big things on my own.
So I asked myself, why India? I was worried for a while I was choosing that country for the wrong reasons but now I am quite sure the reasons come from myself only, no external factors are determinant in my choice. And I feel relieved. I asked to myself again: “why India?” and the answer was: “and why not?”.
Excitement, anticipation and fear
I can’t wait. I need to experience this. Somehow I am sure everything is going to be fine, that even in the worst case scenario I won’t regret this decision. I really don’t have anything to loose and a lot to win, to learn, because when I find myself lonely (and I know I will) I will be forced to find a way to socialize, when in a difficult situation I will have to find the way to overcome it and solve it. The potential is all there, and I want to use it!
But I am afraid.