I have been dreading Friday since last week because I had to write a post. The deadline was getting closer and I couldn’t find anything to write about. I didn’t have anything to say because I wasn’t experiencing anything (or that was what I was telling myself), what shown me that I am suffocated in the apathy.
I lost the momentum. I’m finding myself spending more and more time at home, not seeing friends, barely moving from my seat in front of the computer. I am not experiencing things, not because I don’t have the opportunity, but because I don’t feel like it, I am not expressing myself in the ways I usually do: I am not drawing, writing, or taking pictures… the kind of things that make me happy, relaxed and make me reflect about my environment.
Conclusion: I’m not living.
Or I wasn’t, until I read Caroline Leon‘s last post and, as I was writing a comment, I realized I was forcing myself to not living… as if I were afraid of my pliable self and I didn’t want to find a reason to convince me to stay at home instead of relocating to another country.
The day when I am leaving home is getting closer, only a month and a half away, and I’m starting to find excuses to stay: family, money, responsibility… And in the meantime, I’m all plaintive, focusing only in the negative of my current situation to keep myself strong to pursue my goal, but that has a negative side: I’m wasting my present.
So, once I’ve realized about my apathy, I’m forcing myself to beat it: I practice daily exercise again, I re opened my diary and forced myself to write every single thing that used to make me happy, I force myself to leave the house and walk… Pushing oneself, forcing oneself, beat that resistance is hard but is definitely worth it.
“Daily pleasures” series
In the task of beating my apathy’s ass, I launch the “Daily pleasures” series tonight. I intend to write a daily post about a pleasurable thing I experience during the day. Why will I do that? Because I want to go back to live the life the way I used to: enjoying every detail, being thankful and amazed by the feeling of the sun on my skin or a simple warm coffee in a nice terrace. I really need to go back to be that person whether I’m in my hometown or in a lovely foreign city! And I encourage you to follow the series, who knows?, maybe you discover a new pleasurable thing that was already in your life and you didn’t realize before… 😉