“Go to foreign countries and you will get to know the good things one possesses at home”. – Goethe.
I used to believe that before I traveled to foreign countries. Well, I don’t anymore. It’s true that when you visit other countries and live there, you get to know the good things and the bad things that country has and in some occasions you will see certain aspect is better in your native country, but not always.
I won’t go into social, political or economical aspects here, that’s not the point of this post. I want to note instead that the more I go to foreign countries, the less I appreciate the things there are at home.
And here comes the hard realization. Do I consider my native country as home? In some ways I should: it’s familiar, I feel protected (too much), my family is here, I was born here and spent here the majority of my life. I have everything that should make my native country my home. However I don’t feel that way and I still feel guilty about it.
“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” – Pema Chodron
It’s curious how leaving home and living abroad had lead me to discover my real home. And this home doesn’t mean a specific place. I felt at home when I was living in Clermont-Ferrand (France) and I felt at home while I was living in Cork (Ireland). Leaving both cities ripped off my heart… and I’m still recovering from the last.
Only when I am away from my official home I feel alive, I have the capacity of enjoying every single thing, whereas whenever I am here I feel numb. Everything is so familiar that doesn’t cause any reaction in me. I don’t have the feeling of progression and growth, therefore I feel suffocated and lost. The first words that come to my mind when I think about stay in my native city are “suffocate” and “whiter”.
On the other hand, there are people I love here, people I don’t want to hurt and people I’d love to carry with me and that are the main source of breathing.
In any case, every day I spend here is a day I found myself more deflated, less motivated, more procrastinator.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy”. – Dale Carnegie
That’s why I made a big decision. I am leaving home in three months, after I defend my thesis. Haven’t decided where yet, but I still have time to do it, and, honestly, the destination is the less important matter for me right now.
You could say: “What does it make this such a big decision? You left your country before”.
The difference here is that this time would be the first one I leave without a legitimate reason. The first time I left my country was because I got a job in a school in France and I couldn’t miss the opportunity. The next one was because I followed love and my love led me to Ireland.
This time, I have no job, no love, no excuse, only the intuition of being the right thing to do in order to keep my sanity and avoid numbness.
Why do I go public? Because I know that if I don’t I might be carried away by doubts and fear and stay, even though deep inside I know that I won’t be able to be happy by myself if I do.
I feel very scared just by telling my plan out loud but my gut tells me I’m right,… right?