Last week I got rid of three years of clutter. I was about to say memories instead, but I would have been wrong. The memories will remain but all that amount of clothes, books, bags, candles, presents, etc… are not my memories, they are only vacuous things. Things that I bought mainly over the last two years in an attempt to feel satisfied, deceiving myself by convincing me that I needed them, that there were nothing better than going on a “shopping spree” to overcome a downer.
How wrong I was! I knew there were an empty space inside me, that I wasn’t feeling completely happy with my life, that something was wrong. However, instead of looking for the root of that dissatisfaction, I went to the shopping centre and got clothes, bags and shoes, that I barely used, lots of make up to beautify my exterior, neglecting my interior who was the one that wasn’t in shape. Buying things that didn’t make me happy neither.
I was looking for an immediate pleasure that left me worse afterwards, instead of taking care of a badly injured self esteem and a temporarily lost happiness.
After a nightmare summer during which all my possessions caused me more headaches that they gave me pleasure when I bought them. I finally got rid of all of them. Never felt so free and happy. It was a liberation. I felt I unburden myself not only of those material possessions; letting go of those things helped me to release emotional baggage as well. I felt great and I still feel good when I think about the moment when I went back to the van and was empty, because that van might have been empty, but I wasn’t feeling empty any more. No more anguish, no more dissatisfaction.
If I am honest with you, I didn’t need to be down to buy things, I’ve always been a “clutter creator”. I couldn’t discard books, notebooks, pictures, because everything had a memory attached. Sometimes I felt as if letting go of the object would drag the memory with it. Other times I was worried that my loved ones would feel hurt if I dumped the things they gave me. I was the kind of person that would say: “You never know if that would come in handy some day”.
I was living so much on the past… Those material possessions were valuable to me mainly because they reminded me about the past. Holding on those possessions, I was holding as well on anger, pain, or resentment. Letting these things go, I am letting go all the petty disappointments I experienced in life, realizing that they are not so important. I am letting go the bad to leave space for the life I want.
Somehow I am sure that I won’t create so much clutter in the future, mainly because I realized what the reason was for getting so many things. Besides, I am completely focus in leading a wholesome life in other aspects quite far away from materialistic things.
Let’s be honest: I’ve never felt better with myself, with such a mental clarity and inner peace. I am pleased and in peace and I really don’t think that having an extra pair of shoes is going to make me happier, but using the old ones to go for a walk is. It’s all about experiences for me now, and I think following this path of living experiences and taking a good care of my inner self is going to provide me with a longer lasting happiness than a nice bag is.