Personal

Alive and kicking

I’ve got a crush.

Yep, I have all the symptoms. I have butterflies in my stomach again. It takes me ages to fall sleep when I give free rein to my mind, so I wake up in the morning with this stupid smile on my face and the black rings under my eyes, just the same as one does after one of those intense first nights with someone, when one does everything but sleep. One wake up knackered but happy as hell, doesn’t it?

I confess I’ve got a crush… on life.

I won’t deny I was feeling a bit down of being at home. It’s like if I’d become addicted to some kind of external stimulation, to change environment and when that doesn’t happen, I feel pretty dead until I adjust again or I project a new move, which is the case.

The present

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
–Thornton Wilder

As some of you might know, I embarked on a project very dear to me. I can’t express the ways I am thankful for finding the right person in the right moment and find the courage, support and motivation to bring this project alive. I was excited in its embryonic stage, couldn’t sleep the days before its birth and even now it takes the majority of my thoughts and energy. Shyness Warrior (aka. “our baby” by my partner in this and me) insufflated some life into me.

The future

“Goals are not only absolutely necessary to motivate us. They are essential to really keep us alive.”
–Robert H. Schuller

In a previous post I told you about my determination of leaving Spain in September. Being on the road again makes me feel excited and alive in such a strong way that I can’t help but smiling every time I think about it.

Airports

Still and all, I am a bit disquieted. First, because I’ve never traveled that far (Indonesia), because it’s gonna take me about a couple of days of flights, and there’s something about airports that stress me out greatly. If only I could catch a train or a bus and enjoy placidly the journey…!  So, let’s say I won’t be fully relaxed until I arrive to the island safe and sound.

Travel solo and transforming virtual entities into corporeal ones

There’s another thing that disturb my inner peace slightly. I will travel alone but I’ll meet a friend there, you know, one of this virtual friends on the internet. And if that never disturbed me before, besides the typical stress before meeting an unknown person from a shy person like me, I have this idea of traveling alone but not completely.

On the bright side, I’m quite looking forward to finally meet that person and see if that connection that seems to exist between us is real or not, but on the “dark” side, I’m concerned that if that connection was just an illusory trick of the minds, it’s gonna feel weird. Let’s be honest, I’m going to that island and not another one to meet him and although there isn’t any kind of commitment or obligation between us, I am still wary of possible uncomfortable moments, which is something that doesn’t exist when one travels alone.

“To be alive at all involves some risk.”
–Harold McMillan

And this is the reason why I will plunge into this uncertain journey. All good things involve some risks, and even the worst case scenario, doesn’t seem that unmanageable and unpleasant.

The problem must be that I got used to make plans on my own and counting on someone else, even if that someone doesn’t make me feel any obligation towards him, still feels to me like in my mind I need to put this new situation in a compartment, which is not in “travel accompanied” and neither “traveling alone”, and this inability of labeling the situation makes me a bit questioning.

However, I know all this extenuating mental activity will come to an end in the moment I take the first step on the journey. Why it seems so difficult to restrain my mind from running wild when I’m still, whereas all seems so easy and trouble free when I’m on the move?

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8 thoughts on “Alive and kicking

  1. You have a crush? And looks like life has a crush on you with all the blessings and good things coming your way:) Sounds like a fun journey ahead – uncertainty, adventure and all! Keep us posted M!

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